I'm All About Commitment

...and not always in a good way.

I'm not a committed person. My brain is too scattered to do justice to my obligations. Plus, commitment takes effort. Anyone who is in a relationship or has kids understands that. But its those other obligations we put ourselves under. We writers are always committing ourselves to some writing goal. Moms habitually obligate themselves to some school or sport function for their kids. We make promises at work, pushing ourselves beyond what is required.

And then there are those commitments we make to ourselves which only benefit us. I think those are the hardest to make and maintain. I made the commitment to Weight Watchers. At first it was easy, my enthusiasm carried me through for the first few weeks. But I can feel myself falter. I'm not nearly as motivated as I was before. The fact that I have to pay $40 every month helps keep me somewhat committed. So now I'm committing myself to going to the gym and working out. Not something I adore, but I know if I can get myself committed to that activity, it will strengthen my commitment to weight loss.

My goal is turn those commitments into a part of my life. I want them to be so ingrained that I don't have to work on them anymore. Does that make sense? Why are good things such hard work?

And for something fun, I started a new blog. It's called Costco Junkie and celebrates my slavish devotion to the retail monster.

Long Weekend

Before I was married I used to raise cactus as a hobby. I planted them in big pots and tended them with care. Every time I spent time on one of my cactus pots, my cat would immediately go and lay in one of the pots, heedless of the stickers. It didn't seem to bother him and we thought it was pretty funny. Something so banal as a cactus garden was enough to make him jealous.

It isn't so amusing when your kids act the same way. Those of you who look forward to the end of the toddler years because it means your kids won't need your attention so much are in for a surprise. My kids are 12, 8, and 5. If I want their attention, all I need to do is sit down in front of my computer and start writing. I kid you not, as soon as I would start writing, there they were. Even the 12 year old. And, as I mentioned earlier, I got a Wii Fit. I can count on one hand how many times I've actually gotten to use it. My kids discovered it and won't leave it alone. I don't really mind that they play with it, but every time I go to use it, they hover. They could be upstairs immersed in something, deaf and blind to everything else, but as soon as I plug in the Wii, there they are. I just want to scream.

Yeah, I tell them to go away and they scatter like cockroaches when you turn on the kitchen light, but meander back, making their presence known in the most annoying ways possible. And if it sounds like I'm comparing my kids to cockroaches, please understand, after this weekend, I wouldn't demean the cockroach so.

Hiding myself in a room and locking the door to write isn't really an option. It would simply be an engraved invitation to the Orcs to cause as much trouble as possible. Mt. Vesuvius caused less destruction than my kids can do if unattended.

However, I was still able to write 3500 words. Most of it was done in 15 minute increments, but I'll take them anyway I can. I suppose it is all about adaptability and determination. If I am truly motivated to write, I will find a way to do it.

Weird Weather

Last weekend we were in the triple digits temperature wise. Today...it's 48 degrees and pouring rain. Ughh! I wouldn't mind so much except we have a team pizza party today which we planned to have at the park and this is Memorial Day weekend, a weekend meant for outside activities. Well, at least it gives me another excuse not to clean out my car.

I started writing again today. Nothing like Joely but I got a couple of pages this morning. As I've said, I'm writing on a new laptop which, of course, comes with the trial version of Word 07. I like it...alot. I do have Office 03 which I can take off my old laptop and re-install on my new one, but dang, I like the newer version. I've got 16 more uses so I may have to hustle my butt down to Costco and get the new version of Office. Anyway, I did get some writing done. Luckily, I'm finally in a scene with action and drama and a good looking guy. I'm hoping this weekend will get me some writing time. Not that anyone is going to give me time to write on a silver platter. It is something I have to grab. I wish I had more desire to grab it. I admire those writers who put their writing first. I just don't have that in me like I used to. Maybe it comes from my brief sojourn in having book shopped that took some of the punch out of me. I'm not sure. Or maybe its me. There are so many other things I like to do besides writing. I think I just need to find a balance. There is plenty of room in my life to do what I'd like without denying myself the things I want.

How do you find balance or have you?

I Pity the Fool....

Who doesn't wish Mr. T a happy birthday!!!


Actually, it is the one thing Mr. T and I have in common. I'm sure he has a bigger party than I do. No big plans for me. I'm 41, not a real exciting number. I did get a new cell phone yesterday. I got the LG enV2 and in the day I've had it, I love it. Tonight hubby and I are going out to dinner just the two of us. To have a meal sans children is a gift unto itself. I did buy myself another present. I got the Wii Fit. I pre-ordered it a couple of weeks ago and it is supposed to be delivered today. Can't wait to use it.

So I got what I wanted for my birthday. What should I get for Mr. T? Any ideas?

Blazing

Our weekend was ghastly. Very, very hot. And while I don't mind the heat, I do mind it in May. I expect this kind of stuff in July and August, but not this early. The mercury hit triple digits in my area and I, in my stubborness, refused to turn on the a/c during the day. Actually, my downstairs never went above 77 which I can live with. The upstairs is another story, when I went up there Saturday night, it was 90. During the day, I don't care since I don't go up there and the kids usually hang around downstairs anyway, but at night I caved and turned the a/c on. And just as we acclimate to the scorching temps, they are going to drop back down into the 70's later this week. I think I hate that most of all.

Summertime anxiety is starting to set in. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the kids. I always start with a plan and then it falls apart. Unfortunately, kids are so unpredictable and they are the perfect, shining beings you hope for. I have these fantasies of my kids eagerly participating in educational activities or fun crafts, killing a couple of hours and then it is time for lunch. After eating a nutritious meal prepared by their loving mother, they immerse themselves in outside play for another couple of hours then come in and tidy up their rooms and the toy room, leaving us with an evening for television or video games. The truth of it is that my two girls have the attention spans of gnats and any activity they indulge in loses their interest within 20 minutes. They are clever enough to make their own lunches, ignoring whatever I've suggested. It gets too hot to be outside in the afternoon and they spend the afternoon entertaining themselves by whining or fighting. And cleaning up their rooms and toy room? World War III, everytime. They do spend the evening watching television while I collapse on the couch and drink too much. I don't know what the secret is. I scrounge for fun ideas and try to make things fun for them, but the summer ends up being very disappointing. At least for me. It doesn't seem to bother them a whole lot.

What are you doing with your kids? Does it end up being an enriching, fun time like they show in the parenting magazines or does it end up being a screamfest with you on your knees praying to survive until school starts?

New Laptop

I got a new laptop for Mother's Day. I've been trying to milk mine for awhile, determined to get another year out of it, but I had to admit defeat. Last week the cd-rom drive died. I have an external dvd recorder that I plugged in and it worked fine. But that just solved one problem. I was all set to buy a Dell from Costco but Best Buy has a nice Toshiba on sale. It has 4G of RAM and a decent video card. Alas, I haven't had much time to play with it. And boy oh boy was I cursing myself as I was moving stuff from the old machine to the new. No organization whatsoever. And there was so much junk on my machine that I had no interest in moving but it has been a pain to sort through it. I'm about done.

I also got a really cool watch from Costco. It is a Timex Ironman that controls your iPod. Isn't that cool? Perfect for working out. Now if I'd only get my body to the gym.

This computer has made reading feeds much easier so that solves my problem with having a non-functioning blogroll sidebar. On the other hand, I can't get my feed to work on my own blog. There is definitely an issue I can't resolve and I'm not familiar enough with feeds to do too much. Bear with me, I'm sure I'll get it figured out someday.

Constant Motion

I've been sick for the last couple of weeks. Just a cold, but one that lingers. The constant motion my life has been running at hasn't helped I'm sure. But base ball is coming to a close and Cotillion has ended. My kids get out of school sometime in June (I can't remember when) and Brownies ends with it. But for now, I'm rarely home and when I am home, I just want to flop on the couch.

Not a good combo for a cold but a great one for weight loss. I lost over 10lbs. in four weeks. I'm thrilled to say the least.

My Blogroll sidebar broke. I'm not sure what is the problem but I can't access it anymore from my browser. That and it has lost a couple of links. It has made bloghopping difficult. I'm a creature of routine and it has totally messed me up. How do you bloghop? Do you have a program you use? I'm thinking of going back to bloglines (is that what it's called?)

There is Less of Me

I bit the bullet and finally admitted to myself I was never going to succeed on my own. Oh, I know what's good for me, I know what foods are going to help and hinder weight loss, but putting that knowledge into action has eluded me. So I signed up for Weight Watchers.

I've done this before. In fact, I've done it three times before. And I've succeeded as long as I followed the program. But as soon as I slacked off, the weight came back. So why should this time be successful? Obviously my initial interest in losing weight is for San Francisco this summer. Nothing like a big event to get one motivated. And while I won't be at goal, I should still lose enough to justify new clothes. My health is a concern. Although I don't have blood pressure problems, my cholesterol is high. As I get older, I notice my joints are aging, all the extra weight can't be helping. Being a mom makes me aware of what my children see. I don't want them to hear me preach about eating right and yet ignore that advice myself.

I don't go in for fad diets. I lived with a mother who did that and it did nothing but make her miserable. They never succeeded. She has been doing weight watchers off and on for years and while she hasn't been losing weight for awhile, she hasn't gained either.

Some days are tougher than others. I have to train myself to like vegetables. And drink water. Alcoholic beverages are loaded with empty calories, so I have said goodbye to my regular glass of wine. Which is not to say I've dropped those things entirely.

Its all about choices. What is the better choice at the moment? If I really want the glass of wine, that's fine, but I need to make a choice somewhere else in the day. It works out okay. I miss french fries. I REALLY miss Starbucks. My drink of choice is 3 points, and that's the non-fat version. But I'm working on a new mindset, trying to downplay the importance of those things, replacing them in my priority list with other things like uh, writing.

I'm at the point now where I really need to kick in with the exercise. I'm resistant. Its not the exercise, its the time it takes from my schedule. But if I really want to succeed I will make the concessions.

Is anyone else a Weight Watchers veteran? Maybe we should have our own RWA chapter.

New Toy

Looks like I'll be going to San Francisco in style this summer. This is hubby's new toy. It is a Ford Mustang Shelby GT500, quite a mouthful but a phrase I've been living with for over two years.

My husband is a car guy. The man bleeds Ford blue. I remember the first time I saw his original mustang (a 1988 LX 5.0) I was taken aback by how clean it was. You could eat lunch off the motor. The timing of his wedding proposal to me was linked to the fact he couldn't get a certain car part, so he bought an engagement ring instead. He subscribes to at least 5 "different" car magazines. I put that in quotes because they all look the same to me. He assures me they are unique. Yeah, right.

He's been looking and waiting for this particular car for awhile. When the Shelbys were originally released, the dealers were able to get $25K over sticker. DH will not spend a penny over sticker on any car, it's part of his moral code, like not committing murder or not putting ketchup on a hot dog. So he has had to bide his time.

Finally he found a dealer who would sell it to him at sticker. He flew up to Sacramento Tuesday and drove it home. It was like Christmas morning around here yesterday. I've gotten to drive it once. It was fun but it is wicked fast (not our fastest car, however) and it's 6 speed stick shift. I don't like driving stick.

Anyway, that's our new toy and hubby's drooling obsession can end. Except there is that new Bullitt Mustang.....

Doldrums

So I've been working on a post expressing my exuberance of over the emergence of spring. The grayness of winter has left the southland, promising Beach Boy-kinds of days and the kind of sun that forces me to wear sunglasses. We got the convertible out of storage and I'd already driven it once. ONCE. Friday things changed. It started getting downright chilly. Last night it started raining. It's pouring right now. Ugh.

Anyway, the start of spring turns up the level of activities around here. The kindergarten classes at her school did a Medieval Day. Here's my little princess. The teachers cordoned off the kindergarten area from the rest of the school and turned it into a village. They had a stage with a lutest, harpist, bagpipe player and a juggler performing. Parents put on workshops with various crafts and skills like paper making and grinding wheat. At the end the kids had a huge feast. It was really cute if a tad ambitious.

We are knee-deep in baseball. Hubby is coaching a team again this year. Some of you might remember we had a team with 7 girls on it last year. This year he decided it wasn't worth the controversy and drafted only two girls (Diva and one other). Didn't matter. Only 4 girls are playing in their division this year. However, the two girls on our team are two of the best players. When they play together in the infield, the are lethal. We get lots of comments. Usually its "I didn't know girls could play baseball like that." What the hell kind of comment is that? What are they supposed to play like? I better get off that soapbox or my "I am woman hear me roar" persona will flare up like a bad case of heartburn.

Supernerd was gone last week to Outdoor Science School. It was weird having my little boy gone for a whole week. He was cut off from his computer, video games, television, etc. He didn't even have time to read. I was worried. I half expected a meltdown. But he came back happy if a little (okay, a lot) stinky. He took one shower and confessed tonight that he'd forgotten to take his toiletries with him so he didn't use soap. And he only brushed his teeth once since he'd forgotten toothpaste. I mentioned that he could have borrowed a dab of paste from his buddies, but apparently oral hygiene was low on the list of things they were worried about.

Work has been horrible. Hubby had a summary judgement motion one week and a trial this week, ergo I was chained to the copy machine doing exhibits and creating trial notebooks. I can't tell you how much that blows. We need to get through April then it will be time to start interviewing my replacement. I wish his old secretary would come back.

Now the amazing thing is that I've kept up my writing. Unfortunately, that means my blogging shrank. Given 5 minutes to choose between writing and blogging, writing has won out. I've found by writing a little bit everyday, I've made real progress. And when I'm stuck, I make myself quit. Sure enough, the next day when I give myself 5 minutes, I am able to pick back up and continue on.

This week should be a bit more mellow. Trials are over and we have a lull before the next begins. Now its time to start focusing on that diet. The end of July will be here before I know it.

San Francisco

So I did it. I registered for conference. Haven't done anything else. Well, I have quit eating in the hopes of losing a few pounds before hand, but I haven't planned out the logistics yet. I'm not sure if I am going to drive or fly. Have no idea where I'm staying either. The conference hotel has sold out and if any of you are on the RWA loops, I'm sure you've heard
ad nauseum about that fiasco. I'm not too concerned, there are a gazillion hotels in the city, most of them two or three blocks from the conference. The bad part is that you must walk through prime shopping areas to get back and forth. I could easily get distracted on my travels.

My hubby is thinking of going. I'm 50/50 on this idea. Being a mother hen type, I worry that he won't have anything to do during the day. Yeah, I know, there isn't much to see in The City. But here is the big thing: in the 13 years we've been married, the longest we've ever been apart was three days/two nights. It bothers both of us to think we could be apart that long. I've been separated from my kids for over a week, but not my husband. I did tell him there would be no children on this trip. I don't think they would want to go anyway.

Anyway, I am signed up to go and I plan on going whether I'm by myself or not. Either way, I plan on having a good time.

Writing Muscles

I went to my chapter meeting on Saturday. I always drag my feet about going, I'm not sure why. I enjoy the meetings and such, enjoy the camaraderie of meeting with my fellow writers and having an excuse to wander around a bookstore afterwards. I think my reluctance to go stems from my guilt over not writing. Who goes to a writer's group and doesn't write?

Our speaker didn't show so we filled the time in with other things. For me, that meant picking the brains of the other writers about my lack of writing. Shannon Donnelly is a very active member of our chapter and is one of the smartest people I know, told me I'm out of writing shape. I sit down, expect to write 10 pages then get disappointed because I am unable to accomplish my goal. I am setting myself up for failure. It made sense to me. When I'm writing regularly, I tend to write 5-10 pages a day. But that is wehn I'm in writing "shape." Shannon mentioned an article she had written about "writing muscle." If you are struggling with writing I recommend reading it, she makes a great deal of sense. She also helped me with a game plan for my next novel and getting myself back into the business of writing to sell. She's also pushing me to head to conference. So the next thing is to plunk the money down for conference. I'm hoping that will give me the impetus to get going on my writing.

The Lady Vanishes

Nothing too dramatic to account for my disappearance. I've been sick most of this month. Just a cold that grew into something worse. With three kids, work and all the other stuff, I didn't get the opportunity to convalesce at all. Anyway, this is the first week where I've actually felt human.

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. There always seems so much to do. And instead of diving in and getting it done, I sit almost catatonic and play video games instead. I know most of that is due to pounding sinuses and nights spent hacking up a lung, but it can be crushing. I didn't realize how much I would miss those four hours a day I had at home that I now spend at the office. I certainly didn't appreciate it when I had it. Isn't that how it is in life? We don't have the wisdom to appreciate what we have until we lose it.

I actually like work. I'm not sure why, it is kind of dull work, but it isn't housecleaning. At first it was difficult to get into the swing of things, but now I find it kind of relaxing. And it doesn't involve my kids.

Oh, for Valentine's Day I did get these:

They are pink fresh water pearls. I love pearls, I think they are so elegant. I wear them all the time, particularly when I clean house. Gives me that June Cleever feeling.

Cool Things

Last week was insane. The whole work-home thing totally sucks. But since the bulk of you know all about that, we can skip that discussion. It didn't help that the weather was miserable. Today is actually sunny and it has lifted my mood considerably. This is a picture of my new stained glass window. We designed it with the help of the artist and picked out the colors. Isn't it awesome? This is a picture of the view from the window. When we planned the window, I made it clear I wanted to preserve this view. I'd like to cut the neighbors' trees down, but I don't think they are going to go for that (I'm kidding).

I found this little do-dad at Costco this weekend. It's called an Alto Cordless by Logitech. One thing I miss about the desktop is how nice and high the monitor is for my vision and for a full-sized keyboard. I get both with this. Of course my notebook is starting to tire. The kids don't like using it because the letters have all worn off the keyboard. But this device really helps.

A Little Before and After

I've been a slug about posting any pictures from my remodel. I can't seem to keep any of the rooms clean long enough to take a nice picture. The first shot is a before, I dare you to find description that doesn't include the word "igloo." The second is the after. The picture is one I bought in Hawaii and had the space above the fireplace designed to fit. The firebox was replaced with a wood burning stove which has had a lot of use lately. Hopefully I will be getting some more photos up.

I did get some good news last night. My housekeeper was able to slot me back into her schedule so she will be coming this week.

Reading Revolution or Evolution

This is a photo from the mountains behind my house (I found it at the L.A. Times website. It would take me about 20 minutes to get there from my house. Isn't it pretty? That's about the only nice thing I can say about the weather right now. I'm a weather wimp. I don't like the cold. Winter for me means I have to put on a sweater. And when you have kids, rain sucks. They spend the entire time at school inside their classrooms and they get home so wired and obnoxious, they could be mistaken for rabid chimpanzees.

I hate going out in this weather. I just want to cuddle up with a book and a cup of tea. I have a stack of books calling my name and little time to read right now. I could sit and read at night, but by the time evening rolls around, I'm so tired and my brain is so numb, I just want to watch t.v. However, previous to this, I had been reading quite a bit and I've noticed how much my reading has changed. My choices have broadened considerably. I notice I go through changes periodically. When I was young, I read nothing but romances, historical romances, nothing else. Even in college that's what I read. Then I moved onto techno thrillers a la Tom Clancy. Then I moved on to Robert Ludlum. I slipped there into John Steinbeck and into non-fiction adventure. Then somehow I slid back into romance although I moved away from historicals and read other sub-genres. I discovered paranormal romance and that was it, I read paranormal romance exclusively. But that has petered out. I think I got tired of angsty vampires searching for their soulmate. I moved onto dark urban fantasy, but I choose books with little romance. And that isn't my exclusive reading. I've been reading cozy mysteries, literary fiction, horror and whatever else strikes. Except for romance. I have no taste for it. Odd considering I'm a card carrying member of RWA, a board member of my local chapter and have a stack of Golden Heart entries to judge.

Of course I haven't been writing romance much lately either. Perhaps as I start writing in the genre again, my interest will pick up. I have nothing against the genre, but perhaps a break is necessary to bring a fresh perspective?

Does your reading tastes change on a regular basis or are you stalwart of your favored genre?

The Other Blog

I blogged over at Villa in Tuscany today about the heart and soul of our stories.

I was going to post here as well but I had a lousy morning and I have a ton of stuff to do before the end of the afternoon. I would rather take a nap right now but there are about three loads of laundry crying my name in piteous tones.

Would You Like to Buy Some Cookies?

It is that time again. Girl Scouts are out to ruin our diets with their innocously named cookis. A "Thin Mint" doesn't sound dangerous right? How can an "All About" be harmful? Every cookie has a Girl Scout virtue baked right in.

Last year I was the cookie manager for my daughter's troop. I've retired. Once was enough, I was far too stressed. The leader is taking it over and I told her I would help. I much better in a supporting role. Each girl has a goal to sell 200 boxes of cookies. My daugter wants to go out door to door and sell cookies. Ughhhh....Which means I get to go door to door selling cookies. I'd rather get a root canal.

Oddly enough I still have cookies from last year. I got real tired of cookies. But I don't think it would take much to get me hooked into the cycle again. And they've introduced the "Lemon Chalet" cookie, a sandwich cookie with lemon cream. Yum. Course this little thing has 80 calories per cookie. Yikes.

Do you like Girl Scout cookies? Do you have a favorite? Were you in Girl Scouts?

Sometimes We Get What We Deserve

Have you ever heard a song on the radio that digs itself into your skin like a tick and you aren't satisfied til you own it? This happnes to me pretty frequently but with the power of iTunes I'm usually pacified rather quickly.

The other day the radio played an old song from the early 80's that I loved. Nothing would do, I had to have that song. For those interested, the song is "Nowhere Girl" by B-Movie. Not a big top ten in this country or anything but it was one of my favorite songs back when I was in high school.

Anyway, I downloaded the song from iTunes and synched my iPod, preparing to start the rest of my afternoon. I had plenty to do. There's laundry, sweeping, dinner, heck, even writing to be done. But I my song and I was ready to go. I get upstairs and decide to fold a small load of laundry before I went back downstairs to do some writing.

It was the wrong version.

Totally sent me into a tailspin. I spent the rest of the afternoon looking for the right version. It couldn't be found on iTunes or Amazon (Amazon offers downloads for use with iPods now). I finally found it on Yahoo and downloaded it (a total pain, I might add). So of course I tried to move it into iTunes so I could play it on my iPod. No such luck, the damn song is protected. I can listen to it on my computer until I can think of some way around it or the song finally gets offered on iTunes.

But there is a lesson to be learned. I lost valuable time looking for something silly like an obscure pop song. That time could have been used for a multiple amount of other activities. Anytime that I complain that I don't have time to do something, I can remember the parable of the pop song. I can never have that time back and the rewards are limited.

Long Time No Post

Where has the time gone? Nowhere fun, I can tell ya. I'm no longer an SAHM. My hubby's secretary moved to Las Vegas and lucky me, I get to take her place. I work four hours a day at the office. It totally sucks. Luckily I have Yahoo messenger there and I can chat with Melissa and we can figure out who's day blows more. I should probably install MySpaceIM so I can compare rotten days to my other chat friends.

It isn't hard work but it is boring. My dh is an attorney and he does most of his own stuff. I pretty much do all the filing and make sure his documents get filed with the court and served on the interested parties. I also answer the phone but fortunately hardly anyone calls him. Most of his clients communicate by email. You would think this electronic form of communication would save on paper. BUT NO...Mr. Sustainable prints out the damn things.

Of course I'm still expected to do the same things that I did as an SAHM. Volunteer at the school. Clean house. Cook. I end up doing three meals a day essentially. Breakfast in the morning. Making four lunches (which is a mighty pain) and then dinner. As you can imagine, I'm not getting much free time to do a whole lot else. I've worked outside the home before, but things were different then. I had two kids and a smaller house. Neither of them were in school yet. My husband came home and did the cooking at night. I had a housekeeper.

I'm probably going to hire someone to come in and clean. But the house still isn't done. Yeah, I know, a familiar refrain from my blogs. They are working on the outside of the house. We are having some stone work done and getting the house re-stuccoed. We decided to bite the bullet and just get it all done now. Then we will never have to do it again.

I'm back to writing again. I should be doing laundry or something but I'm squeezing in some time. I've gone back to writing a romance and I'm doing it in 3rd person, more to see if I still can. Romance writing is so hard. Making a relationship the focal point of a book is tough. In the last few years I've written more about one character developing with the romance being a secondary element. I write a lot of action with fight scenes and magic. Switching that concept the other way around is a lot harder. Which is why I'm doing it in third. I can get into more heads that way.

I'm going to try and visit y'all throughout the day. I'm home right now waiting for a fireplace to show up. Long story.